Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex. I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man. He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”. When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.
All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one. That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.
These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom. They want to control EVERYTHING. That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed. It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.
It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him. He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.
I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love. It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican. Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump. I still love them and accept their opinions. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is. Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others? That’s the type of people I want in my life.
I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom. My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself. My freedom to choose my friends. My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right. My freedom to live without fear.
It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.
The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life. We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.
What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot. I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself. I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost. I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself. The men in my life have been stories that need to be told. One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so. Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations. You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them. Don’t ever lose hope. My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.
A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.
We learn fear at an early age. We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.
I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.
My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother. It was his verbal abuse. Strong words said in the scariest tone. Enough to make you pee your pants.
So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us. He took us on family vacations in the station wagon. Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.
Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.
How can a woman that was always belittled feel good about herself again? Your self-esteem is diminished, you don’t like who you’ve become so how in the world could you ever get your sexy back? Add 20 years to your body and you would think it’s nearly impossible, but I did it. I owe this all to my first post-divorce lover…Mr. Sexy Man.
My old high school boyfriend who I felt comfortable with, who knew me before I married Mr. Idiot. A man who was tender with me, and helped me deal with the stress of divorce by having mind-blowing hot sex. He was a Leo. Love Leos. Strong, passionate, take charge kinda man, but with romantic overtures. Carry me off to the bedroom type of scenerios…lots of kissing, all over my body. Mr. Sexy Man was my therapist. I could spill my brain with all the shit that Mr. Idiot was putting me through then he’d give me orgasms on top of orgasms. Best damn therapy.
Our friendship and sexual adventures lasted several months, and my sexual confidence blossomed. My emotional state was still so fragile and I could feel myself falling for him. This is where I had to stay strong and not rebound into a relationship. So I ended it…the sexual part, but stayed friends.
Just had my 5 year anniversary of freedom. My old life seems like a dream, a bad dream…a sad dream. I don’t recognize the girl I was back then. Fearful, cowardly, spineless. Willing to please that man no matter how badly he treated me. The changes in me are not just emotional. Physically I’m a different person. I didn’t realize this until I came across some old pictures. I’ve gone through a total metamorphosis. Emerged a beautiful butterfly that flutters from flower to flower in her garden of happiness.
I’d almost forgotten about this blog. I’m actually surprised it even has any hits since I abandoned it. Makes me wonder how many other women are searching for freedom from a bad marriage, or support through a nasty divorce. I feel for them. I want to reach out through my experiences and help if I can by honestly sharing my story.
My new life stories could fill a book, or two. I’ve lived adventurously, with no fear and dived right into life like a child seeing the world for the first time. I’ve meet the most interesting people, men and women with stories of their own. I’ve grown into a woman I’m proud to be. I look in the mirror now and like who is staring back at me. I’ve learned how to love myself.
Don’t ever give up hope. Be brave, be strong. Don’t stay for your kids they will be better off.
I’ll be back soon to tell a few of my stories of my dating adventures 🙂
When you live with a controlling husband that always makes you hang your head it’s hard to learn to look up. Being beat up verbally for years takes its toll and it becomes natural to look at the ground. Having someone treat you like dirt makes your feel like dirt…I struggled to gain the strength to first raise my chin and look straight ahead. As I separated myself from Mr. Idiot and was no longer living with him I began to focus on the little things that I saw. The positive things in my view as I walked through the nightmare of the divorce process. As insults were thrown my way and Mr. Idiot belittled me in front of my children I would escape to the park and watch a bird in flight. That bird was me…he was soaring…he was happy…he had a great persepective from the sky…then I noticed that I was looking up, and I wanted to feel like that bird. So I began to think of that image daily, and would surround myself with friends that would lift me up. My wings and my heart were broken, so it took time for me to venture out and try to fly. I had hope. I had hope and faith that this was not how my life would be…forever being pushed down by Mr. Idiot. I stayed positive, I believed in myself, I believed that there were many good people out there despite what I had gone through. I believed in karma, and staying strong in front of my kids and not talking bad about their father…which was really tough…and knew that if I continued to be the loving Mom that they knew, the lies that Mr. Idiot told would be seen. I took the high road…he took the low and dirty road. I became stronger and stronger, while his viciousness made him weaker and weaker. The battle gave me scars but also toughened me up. My confidence began to grow and then soar…just like that bird I admired. I truly believe that what you put out in the world…negative or positive comes back to you. I’m experiencing happiness beyond what I could ever imagine…stay strong, keep your chin up and push through the pain. Don’t ever let anyone rob you of your happiness, life is too short!
I once heard about making “The List” of what you want in a man on some show years ago…might have been Oprah. She’s always full of helpful advice and good wisdom…maybe her wisdom not to marry is beyond wise. Snarky comment 🙂
Anyways…after being married to Mr. Idiot who had all the wrong qualities in a man, I thought that I needed to make my list to guide me so I never settle again. My list has lived in my brain and this is the first time I’ve actually written it down. It’s things I find important that make me happy, and really are qualities that I have myself. Opposites attract…throw that one out the window if you want happiness. To be happy I need to find someone more like me…who gets me.
So here goes…
1. Romantic. This is number one on my list because I live and breathe romance! I want to be swept off my feet by a man who carries me off to bed. Romance novel come to life! Watch a sunset, write a love note, call just because he’s thinking of me…hold my face when he kisses. Loves to kiss…a must! (Mr. Idiot never kissed, no passion, no romance, never watched a sunset together)
2. Funny. I live to laugh. I love to laugh. I find humor in everyday life. He doesn’t need to be a Robin Williams, but he should be a bit witty and make me laugh. (Mr. Idiot would roll his eyes if I said something funny, made me feel like a complete idiot. He in turn, did not make me laugh much…much too serious and not in the least bit funny.)
3. Athletic. Not meaning a perfect body…but into his health and fitness. Does some type of exercise to work out. A healthy heart…I want him to be around awhile if we end up together. I want a chicken and fish kind of guy…someone who knows what edamames and hummus are, and likes them. (Mr. Idiot was a walker, nothing else. His eating habits were not what mine were…lots of red meat and junk food.
4. Creative. I am a very creative person and need a person who is equally creative. Someone who is creative will understand why I want to stop everything and stare at the sunset…or the moon…or the little ladybug who landed on me. Creative souls belong together. Mr. Idiot only knew how to create drama.
5. Playful. I sometimes don’t act my age… love the swings, tickle fight? okay. Hide and seek with kisses for prize, yep. I’m like a little puppy…I need another puppy to play with. Mr. Idiot would put the little playful pup in a cage.
6. Spontaneous. Wake up, grab a picnic lunch and take off heading south and take a random exit. No direction, no set plan…see where the day take us…love this stuff. Mr. Idiot planned everything…boring!
7. Mellow. Not without a pulse, but even-tempered. No flying off the handle over little things. Able to discuss feelings in a calm mature manner and work out differences. So tired of the walking on eggshell…tip-toeing so I don’t set off the volcano. Sweet and mellow…ahhh…that sounds perfect to me.
So this is my list and I’m sticking to it. When I meet a man that has at least 6 of these qualities then I’m going for it. I’ll let my heart be open and hopefully find the kind of love I’ve alway dreamed of.
It’s really hard to describe the feeling I have at this moment. Euphoria…peace…joy…happiness…and most of all relief. Being in the house that I shared with Mr. Idiot even after he left still had me feeling tied to this man. Chained and controlled…those feelings are tough to shake after being programmed for so many years to bow down and do whatever the hell he commanded.
I was still living with the ghost of him…his negative energy still consumed the space in that house.
I’ve now moved out and left behind all of the things that tied us together, or as my friend said “his stinky ass sat on”…furniture left behind, anything that was a wedding gift that promised a happily and forever future together…left behind. The box of wedding cards that was stashed in the attic…trashed. Goodbye Mr. Idiot, Adios asshole.
The last chain cut.
On my own again after two decades and some, down to basics with the bare essentials. Simplicity and serenity. Those are words I haven’t known the meaning of for quite awhile.
I walk down the street now with my head held high…confident, secure in myself and ready to take on the next chapter of my life.
Flying free…..soaring high….the sky’s the limit for this girl.
I’ve been replaced…Mr. Idiot ran right out and found a girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a long time but knew nothing about her. He brought her into my kids life in the very beginning stages of our divorce…idiot. Like my kids didn’t have a hard enough time dealing with our family fractured, they had this mystery woman thrust into their lives prematurely. Being the selfish bastard he is, of course he didn’t care how it would affect the kids.
I found out about her from my son…a violent outburst from him was how it came about. The kids keep all the juicy secrets about my replacement to themselves. I’ve fished around for information but they have been tight-lipped. So for many months I’ve had to come up with this mystery woman’s story. What did she look like??? What was her history? Divorced? Kids? All these questions haunted me until I had a recent conversation with my ex-sis-in-law. She spilled the beans…it was awesome.
Apparently Mr. Idiot went out and found an older dowdy controlling type of woman. Bwah hahahahahaha! Controlling??? Serves him right. I hope she’s on his ass day and night like he was to me. Making him walk around on eggshells…Hahahahahahahahahaha!
My old boyfriend…who I found on Facebook…and I had started this online seduction you could say. It started with me getting up the nerve to send that body shot, he exchanged his. He wasn’t so shy…clothing was optional you could say. This little online seduction was getting quite hot and heavy over a few months. Mr. Idiot had been gone out of the house for awhile but I was still married on paper…divorce papers were served and the process was started but legally I was married. I wont lie, this added an element of excitement to the whole scenario going on in my head at this point. If I was going to see him I’d be sneaking over…the last thing I needed was for anyone to find out and tell Mr. Idiot. Ironically Mr. Sexy Man’s place was a few blocks from some now-ex relatives.
I finally decided to see him. I was a bundle of nerves…and hormones…and I started the process of getting ready for the “date”. I showered, shaved, scrubbed, softened…sprayed a sexy scent all over my body and dressed. What to wear? Skin tight jeans, and a sexy sleeveless, bra-less top… and a pearl necklace that he had given me when I was 16.
In the car now cruising down the highway…nervous…excited…and on the radio is “Riding Solo” by Jason Derulo, perfect. When he greets me on his stairs in the dark I already feel that spark coming back…I follow him into his house.
He notices the necklace right away, then we sit together on the couch watching TV. It doesn’t take long before he grabs my hand…then we kiss, and I melt. Wham, bam, that chemistry is just as strong as it was when we were teenagers. Goodbye. The music is now on, the candles lit…things Mr. Idiot never did…I’m following him into his bedroom.
Wow…yep, it was everything I had remembered with him and more. He was a man now and man did he know how to please a woman. I drove home with a big smile on my lips that night and that begun my affair with Mr. Sexy Man.
Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex. I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man. He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”. When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.
The Diary of Mrs. Idiot 