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Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

fullsizerender-39Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex.  I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man.  He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”.  When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.

All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one.  That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.

These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom.  They want to control EVERYTHING.  That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed.  It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.

It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him.  He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.

I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love.  It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican.  Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump.  I still love them and accept their opinions.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is.  Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others?  That’s the type of people I want in my life.

I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom.  My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself.  My freedom to choose my friends.  My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right.  My freedom to live without fear.

It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.

The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life.  We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

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Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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It’s been a tough few days…I’m getting the house, our family home full of memories ready to sell.  It’s something I’ve known was coming and had to deal with but I had no idea it would throw me into a depressed state of mind. The process of sifting through boxes that hadn’t been opened in years has been a mixed bunch of emotions. Ecstasy when I find something of mine I’d forgotten about…and sheer disgust when I come across one of Mr. Idiots things.  Sadness when I find photos of my kids in happy times…a vacation shot of the first fish caught, a moment suspended in time when I thought I had a happy life.  The joy was there but looking back it all came from those moments with my kids…if it wasn’t for them I would’ve left Mr. Idiot years ago.

I contemplated having a garage sale but as I pictured the nosy neighbors coming over to get the dirt on why I had left Mr. Idiot I couldn’t bear to deal with that torture.  So I’m making trips to the local thrift store daily and dumping my old life…or kicking it to the curb with a free sign.  Free….yeah I’m free, well almost, as soon as I get rid of this shit that’s making me feel like shit.

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The day I’ve been waiting for…for almost two years.  It’s here. I signed on the dotted line and officially ended my marriage to Mr. Idiot.   The final string that he held control of has been severed…forever.  I’ve looked forward to this day for so long, and imagined myself jumping with joy and shouting out to the world…”I’m free as a bird”!

Yet here I sit, three days before Christmas with an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and loss…with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  This will be my last Christmas in the house with my kids.  Soon it will be put up for sale and all the memories inside will be gone.  The painful process of sifting through his things and my things…our things, the kids things. Our family that no longer exists.  It’s almost too much to bear.

My exit door is wide open now…Mr. Idiot is gone.   I should be running for it, but now I’m feeling nervous of what I’ll find on the other side.  Welcome to the single world. Time to put my big girl panties on and take that first step into the next chapter of my life.

Goodbye Mr. Idiot.

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Reject jellybeans. Just look at them, can you believe they sell these? They shouldn’t be out in public calling themselves jelly beans. A jelly bean should be a perfect oval shape. Smooth and flawless.

He was the perfect husband, so nice…how can she be divorcing him? This is the word I hear going around my town. He was a perfectly good jellybean and I tossed him out on his butt. He was not a perfect husband, far from it, but an expert at playing the role to friends and acquaintances. If they only knew how he really treated me, they’d be shocked.

I’m done with perfect jellybeans, all smooth and charming. Nope, not going to fall for it again. My next jellybean will be imperfect. Showing his true self, flaws and all right from the start. I love jellybeans!

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If you take a look at my house while driving past you’d think to yourself, what a nice house.  So well-kept and charming.  The lawn is manicured, the white picket fence is so quaint and the flowers are bright and happy.  But take a peek into the backyard and it’s a different story.  Neglect. Weeds growing where flowers once stood.  Messy unkempt grass.  Dead, ugly leaves scattered on the patio. Once glorious rose bushes now are thorny beasts that will prick you. Looks can be deceiving.  First impressions are not always accurate.  The truth can be hidden…behind the gate, behind closed doors.

This is my backyard, and this was my life.

There are still those people out there that believe Mr. Idiot is a great guy and won’t talk to me anymore.  I try to make eye contact and they do everything they can to avoid me.  Like a ghost of myself I feel while sitting there as they scurry past.  We had the perfect family, the perfect life, he was the perfect husband.  How could I leave such a great man?  These are the people in our life that drove past the house and saw the pristine yard and assumed the guy they talked to was just as nice and charming at home to his wife.  If only they had stopped at my house and peeked over the fence…or in the windows, they would’ve seen the truth.

So now that Mr. Idiot is gone, I will tackle that overgrown backyard myself.  Whack, whack, whack…I won’t lie, it feels good to go at the bushes and think of him.  Yard therapy. Thinking time.

The rose bushes will bloom again, and the sweet fragrant roses will fill me with joy.

My backyard will become as beautiful as the front.  A peaceful place to ponder what comes next in my life.

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It’s been a rough few weeks…not sure what is bringing on the tears lately.  Maybe it’s the divorce dragging out and feeling like the end will never come.  Maybe it’s the continued verbal assaults from Mr. Idiot.  Could be hearing the nasty words coming out of my son’s mouth.  It’s seems like Mr. Idiot is a ventriloquist and he’s using my son like a puppet. It’s painful enough to hear it from him, but when my son has been brainwashed and manipulated right in front of my eyes it does bring me to tears. With the help of a therapist I hope some of the damage can be undone and my son will be able to make it through our divorce without developing his own issues that follow him into adulthood. Mr Idiot could really use some therapy but of course he doesn’t think he is the problem.  He has no issues in his eyes. He’s already dealt with his painful childhood by burying it deep inside of him. That worked well! I know my biggest issue to deal with will be trust.  Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

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