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Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

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What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot.  I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself.  I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost.  I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself.  The men in my life have been stories that need to be told.  One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so.  Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations.   You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them.  Don’t ever lose hope.  My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.

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Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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When you live with a controlling husband that always makes you hang your head it’s hard to learn to look up.  Being beat up verbally for years takes its toll and it becomes natural to look at the ground.  Having someone treat you like dirt makes your feel like dirt…I struggled to gain the strength to first raise my chin and look straight ahead.  As I separated myself from Mr. Idiot and was no longer living with him I began to focus on the little things that I saw.  The positive things in my view as I walked through the nightmare of the divorce process.  As insults were thrown my way and Mr. Idiot belittled me in front of my children I would escape to the park and watch a bird in flight.  That bird was me…he was soaring…he was happy…he had a great persepective from the sky…then I noticed that I was looking up, and I wanted to feel like that bird.  So I began to think of that image daily, and would surround myself with friends that would lift me up.  My wings and my heart were broken, so it took time for me to venture out and try to fly.  I had hope.  I had hope and faith that this was not how my life would be…forever being pushed down by Mr. Idiot.  I stayed positive, I believed in myself, I believed that there were many good people out there despite what I had gone through.  I believed in karma, and staying strong in front of my kids and not talking bad about their father…which was really tough…and knew that if I continued to be the loving Mom that they knew, the lies that Mr. Idiot told would be seen.  I took the high road…he took the low and dirty road.  I became stronger and stronger, while his viciousness made him weaker and weaker.  The battle gave me scars but also toughened me up.  My confidence began to grow and then soar…just like that bird I admired.  I truly believe that what you put out in the world…negative or positive comes back to you.  I’m experiencing happiness beyond what I could ever imagine…stay strong, keep your chin up and push through the pain. Don’t ever let anyone rob you of your happiness, life is too short!

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