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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

fullsizerender-39Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex.  I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man.  He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”.  When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.

All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one.  That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.

These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom.  They want to control EVERYTHING.  That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed.  It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.

It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him.  He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.

I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love.  It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican.  Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump.  I still love them and accept their opinions.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is.  Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others?  That’s the type of people I want in my life.

I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom.  My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself.  My freedom to choose my friends.  My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right.  My freedom to live without fear.

It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.

The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life.  We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

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What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot.  I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself.  I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost.  I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself.  The men in my life have been stories that need to be told.  One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so.  Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations.   You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them.  Don’t ever lose hope.  My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.

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Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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Bringing my sexy back

How can a woman that was always belittled feel good about herself again? Your self-esteem is diminished, you don’t like who you’ve become so how in the world could you ever get your sexy back? Add 20 years to your body and you would think it’s nearly impossible, but I did it. I owe this all to my first post-divorce lover…Mr. Sexy Man.

My old high school boyfriend who I felt comfortable with, who knew me before I married Mr. Idiot.  A man who was tender with me, and helped me deal with the stress of divorce by having mind-blowing hot sex. He was a Leo. Love Leos. Strong, passionate, take charge kinda man, but with romantic overtures.  Carry me off to the bedroom type of scenerios…lots of kissing, all over my body. Mr. Sexy Man was my therapist. I could spill my brain with all the shit that Mr. Idiot was putting me through then he’d give me orgasms on top of orgasms. Best damn therapy.

Our friendship and sexual adventures lasted several months, and my sexual confidence blossomed. My emotional state was still so fragile and I could feel myself falling for him.  This is where I had to stay strong and not rebound into a relationship.  So I ended it…the sexual part, but stayed friends.

My sexy was back 🙂

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When you live with a controlling husband that always makes you hang your head it’s hard to learn to look up.  Being beat up verbally for years takes its toll and it becomes natural to look at the ground.  Having someone treat you like dirt makes your feel like dirt…I struggled to gain the strength to first raise my chin and look straight ahead.  As I separated myself from Mr. Idiot and was no longer living with him I began to focus on the little things that I saw.  The positive things in my view as I walked through the nightmare of the divorce process.  As insults were thrown my way and Mr. Idiot belittled me in front of my children I would escape to the park and watch a bird in flight.  That bird was me…he was soaring…he was happy…he had a great persepective from the sky…then I noticed that I was looking up, and I wanted to feel like that bird.  So I began to think of that image daily, and would surround myself with friends that would lift me up.  My wings and my heart were broken, so it took time for me to venture out and try to fly.  I had hope.  I had hope and faith that this was not how my life would be…forever being pushed down by Mr. Idiot.  I stayed positive, I believed in myself, I believed that there were many good people out there despite what I had gone through.  I believed in karma, and staying strong in front of my kids and not talking bad about their father…which was really tough…and knew that if I continued to be the loving Mom that they knew, the lies that Mr. Idiot told would be seen.  I took the high road…he took the low and dirty road.  I became stronger and stronger, while his viciousness made him weaker and weaker.  The battle gave me scars but also toughened me up.  My confidence began to grow and then soar…just like that bird I admired.  I truly believe that what you put out in the world…negative or positive comes back to you.  I’m experiencing happiness beyond what I could ever imagine…stay strong, keep your chin up and push through the pain. Don’t ever let anyone rob you of your happiness, life is too short!

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It’s really hard to describe the feeling I have at this moment.  Euphoria…peace…joy…happiness…and most of all relief.  Being in the house that I shared with Mr. Idiot even after he left still had me feeling tied to this man.  Chained and controlled…those feelings are tough to shake after being programmed for so many years to bow down and do whatever the hell he commanded. 

I was still living with the ghost of him…his negative energy still consumed the space in that house. 

I’ve now moved out and left behind all of the things that tied us together, or as my friend said “his stinky ass sat on”…furniture left behind, anything that was a wedding gift that promised a happily and forever future together…left behind.  The box of wedding cards that was stashed in the attic…trashed.  Goodbye Mr. Idiot, Adios asshole. 

The last chain cut.

On my own again after two decades and some, down to basics with the bare essentials.  Simplicity and serenity.  Those are words I haven’t known the meaning of for quite awhile.  

I walk down the street now with my head held high…confident, secure in myself and ready to take on the next chapter of my life.

Flying free…..soaring high….the sky’s the limit for this girl.

Time to change my name….Miss Independent.

 

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I’ve been replaced…Mr. Idiot ran right out and found a girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a long time but knew nothing about her.  He brought her into my kids life in the very beginning stages of our divorce…idiot. Like my kids didn’t have a hard enough time dealing with our family fractured, they had this mystery woman thrust into their lives prematurely.  Being the selfish bastard he is, of course he didn’t care how it would affect the kids. 

I found out about her from my son…a violent outburst from him was how it came about.  The kids keep all the juicy secrets about my replacement to themselves.  I’ve fished around for information but they have been tight-lipped. So for many months I’ve had to come up with this mystery woman’s story. What did she look like??? What was her history? Divorced? Kids? All these questions haunted me until I had a recent conversation with my ex-sis-in-law.  She spilled the beans…it was awesome. 

Apparently Mr. Idiot went out and found an older dowdy controlling type of woman.  Bwah hahahahahaha! Controlling??? Serves him right. I hope she’s on his ass day and night like he was to me.  Making him walk around on eggshells…Hahahahahahahahahaha!

One word….Karma.  I hope she’s a bitch too. 

 

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