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Posts Tagged ‘bad marriage’

Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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Just had my 5 year anniversary of freedom. My old life seems like a dream, a bad dream…a sad dream.  I don’t recognize the girl I was back then. Fearful, cowardly, spineless.  Willing to please that man no matter how badly he treated me.  The changes in me are not just emotional.  Physically I’m a different person.  I didn’t realize this until I came across some old pictures.  I’ve gone through a total metamorphosis. Emerged a beautiful butterfly that flutters from flower to flower in her garden of happiness.

I’d almost forgotten about this blog.  I’m actually surprised it even has any hits since I abandoned it.  Makes me wonder how many other women are searching for freedom from a bad marriage, or support through a nasty divorce.  I feel for them.  I want to reach out through my experiences and help if I can by honestly sharing my story.

My new life stories could fill a book, or two.  I’ve lived adventurously, with no fear and dived right into life like a child seeing the world for the first time.  I’ve meet the most interesting people, men and women with stories of their own.  I’ve grown into a woman I’m proud to be.  I look in the mirror now and like who is staring back at me.  I’ve learned how to love myself.

Don’t ever give up hope.  Be brave, be strong.  Don’t stay for your kids they will be better off.

I’ll be back soon to tell a few of my stories of my dating adventures 🙂

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It’s been a tough few days…I’m getting the house, our family home full of memories ready to sell.  It’s something I’ve known was coming and had to deal with but I had no idea it would throw me into a depressed state of mind. The process of sifting through boxes that hadn’t been opened in years has been a mixed bunch of emotions. Ecstasy when I find something of mine I’d forgotten about…and sheer disgust when I come across one of Mr. Idiots things.  Sadness when I find photos of my kids in happy times…a vacation shot of the first fish caught, a moment suspended in time when I thought I had a happy life.  The joy was there but looking back it all came from those moments with my kids…if it wasn’t for them I would’ve left Mr. Idiot years ago.

I contemplated having a garage sale but as I pictured the nosy neighbors coming over to get the dirt on why I had left Mr. Idiot I couldn’t bear to deal with that torture.  So I’m making trips to the local thrift store daily and dumping my old life…or kicking it to the curb with a free sign.  Free….yeah I’m free, well almost, as soon as I get rid of this shit that’s making me feel like shit.

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Reject jellybeans. Just look at them, can you believe they sell these? They shouldn’t be out in public calling themselves jelly beans. A jelly bean should be a perfect oval shape. Smooth and flawless.

He was the perfect husband, so nice…how can she be divorcing him? This is the word I hear going around my town. He was a perfectly good jellybean and I tossed him out on his butt. He was not a perfect husband, far from it, but an expert at playing the role to friends and acquaintances. If they only knew how he really treated me, they’d be shocked.

I’m done with perfect jellybeans, all smooth and charming. Nope, not going to fall for it again. My next jellybean will be imperfect. Showing his true self, flaws and all right from the start. I love jellybeans!

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If you take a look at my house while driving past you’d think to yourself, what a nice house.  So well-kept and charming.  The lawn is manicured, the white picket fence is so quaint and the flowers are bright and happy.  But take a peek into the backyard and it’s a different story.  Neglect. Weeds growing where flowers once stood.  Messy unkempt grass.  Dead, ugly leaves scattered on the patio. Once glorious rose bushes now are thorny beasts that will prick you. Looks can be deceiving.  First impressions are not always accurate.  The truth can be hidden…behind the gate, behind closed doors.

This is my backyard, and this was my life.

There are still those people out there that believe Mr. Idiot is a great guy and won’t talk to me anymore.  I try to make eye contact and they do everything they can to avoid me.  Like a ghost of myself I feel while sitting there as they scurry past.  We had the perfect family, the perfect life, he was the perfect husband.  How could I leave such a great man?  These are the people in our life that drove past the house and saw the pristine yard and assumed the guy they talked to was just as nice and charming at home to his wife.  If only they had stopped at my house and peeked over the fence…or in the windows, they would’ve seen the truth.

So now that Mr. Idiot is gone, I will tackle that overgrown backyard myself.  Whack, whack, whack…I won’t lie, it feels good to go at the bushes and think of him.  Yard therapy. Thinking time.

The rose bushes will bloom again, and the sweet fragrant roses will fill me with joy.

My backyard will become as beautiful as the front.  A peaceful place to ponder what comes next in my life.

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It’s been a rough few weeks…not sure what is bringing on the tears lately.  Maybe it’s the divorce dragging out and feeling like the end will never come.  Maybe it’s the continued verbal assaults from Mr. Idiot.  Could be hearing the nasty words coming out of my son’s mouth.  It’s seems like Mr. Idiot is a ventriloquist and he’s using my son like a puppet. It’s painful enough to hear it from him, but when my son has been brainwashed and manipulated right in front of my eyes it does bring me to tears. With the help of a therapist I hope some of the damage can be undone and my son will be able to make it through our divorce without developing his own issues that follow him into adulthood. Mr Idiot could really use some therapy but of course he doesn’t think he is the problem.  He has no issues in his eyes. He’s already dealt with his painful childhood by burying it deep inside of him. That worked well! I know my biggest issue to deal with will be trust.  Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

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The only thing tougher than being married to a control freak is trying to divorce a control freak. I’m in a battle as I finally stand up to this man that bullied me for half my life. I feel like he is in this to punish me as much as possible and for what? He has a way of twisting things around so they are my fault. Making me feel guilt. The ultimate manipulator. The verbal abuse is escalating as I stand my ground. I won’t lie, some days I feel like giving up, giving in…letting him get his way so he goes away. But I pick myself up after reading the painful emails, dust my pants and take a deep breath. I will survive. I know one day I’ll be legally free from his grip. That day will come and with it a sigh of relief, and hope. Hope of a happier life. A day when I don’t have to read the hateful words of a man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

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