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It’s really hard to describe the feeling I have at this moment.  Euphoria…peace…joy…happiness…and most of all relief.  Being in the house that I shared with Mr. Idiot even after he left still had me feeling tied to this man.  Chained and controlled…those feelings are tough to shake after being programmed for so many years to bow down and do whatever the hell he commanded. 

I was still living with the ghost of him…his negative energy still consumed the space in that house. 

I’ve now moved out and left behind all of the things that tied us together, or as my friend said “his stinky ass sat on”…furniture left behind, anything that was a wedding gift that promised a happily and forever future together…left behind.  The box of wedding cards that was stashed in the attic…trashed.  Goodbye Mr. Idiot, Adios asshole. 

The last chain cut.

On my own again after two decades and some, down to basics with the bare essentials.  Simplicity and serenity.  Those are words I haven’t known the meaning of for quite awhile.  

I walk down the street now with my head held high…confident, secure in myself and ready to take on the next chapter of my life.

Flying free…..soaring high….the sky’s the limit for this girl.

Time to change my name….Miss Independent.

 

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I’ve been replaced…Mr. Idiot ran right out and found a girlfriend. I’ve known about her for a long time but knew nothing about her.  He brought her into my kids life in the very beginning stages of our divorce…idiot. Like my kids didn’t have a hard enough time dealing with our family fractured, they had this mystery woman thrust into their lives prematurely.  Being the selfish bastard he is, of course he didn’t care how it would affect the kids. 

I found out about her from my son…a violent outburst from him was how it came about.  The kids keep all the juicy secrets about my replacement to themselves.  I’ve fished around for information but they have been tight-lipped. So for many months I’ve had to come up with this mystery woman’s story. What did she look like??? What was her history? Divorced? Kids? All these questions haunted me until I had a recent conversation with my ex-sis-in-law.  She spilled the beans…it was awesome. 

Apparently Mr. Idiot went out and found an older dowdy controlling type of woman.  Bwah hahahahahaha! Controlling??? Serves him right. I hope she’s on his ass day and night like he was to me.  Making him walk around on eggshells…Hahahahahahahahahaha!

One word….Karma.  I hope she’s a bitch too. 

 

My old boyfriend…who I found on Facebook…and I had started this online seduction you could say.  It started with me getting up the nerve to send that body shot, he exchanged his.  He wasn’t so shy…clothing was optional you could say.  This little online seduction was getting quite hot and heavy over a few months.  Mr. Idiot had been gone out of the house for awhile but I was still married on paper…divorce papers were served and the process was started but legally I was married.  I wont lie, this added an element of excitement to the whole scenario going on in my head at this point. If I was going to see him I’d be sneaking over…the last thing I needed was for anyone to find out and tell Mr. Idiot. Ironically Mr. Sexy Man’s place was a few blocks from some now-ex relatives.

I finally decided to see him.  I was a bundle of nerves…and hormones…and I started the process of getting ready for the “date”. I showered, shaved, scrubbed, softened…sprayed a sexy scent all over my body and dressed. What to wear? Skin tight jeans, and a sexy sleeveless, bra-less top… and a pearl necklace that he had given me when I was 16.

In the car now cruising down the highway…nervous…excited…and on the radio is “Riding Solo” by Jason Derulo, perfect.  When he greets me on his stairs in the dark I already feel that spark coming back…I follow him into his house.

He notices the necklace right away, then we sit together on the couch watching TV.  It doesn’t take long before he grabs my hand…then we kiss, and I melt.  Wham, bam, that chemistry is just as strong as it was when we were teenagers. Goodbye. The music is now on, the candles lit…things Mr. Idiot never did…I’m following him into his bedroom.

Wow…yep, it was everything I had remembered with him and more.  He was a man now and man did he know how to please a woman. I drove home with a big smile on my lips that night and that begun my affair with Mr. Sexy Man.

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It’s been a tough few days…I’m getting the house, our family home full of memories ready to sell.  It’s something I’ve known was coming and had to deal with but I had no idea it would throw me into a depressed state of mind. The process of sifting through boxes that hadn’t been opened in years has been a mixed bunch of emotions. Ecstasy when I find something of mine I’d forgotten about…and sheer disgust when I come across one of Mr. Idiots things.  Sadness when I find photos of my kids in happy times…a vacation shot of the first fish caught, a moment suspended in time when I thought I had a happy life.  The joy was there but looking back it all came from those moments with my kids…if it wasn’t for them I would’ve left Mr. Idiot years ago.

I contemplated having a garage sale but as I pictured the nosy neighbors coming over to get the dirt on why I had left Mr. Idiot I couldn’t bear to deal with that torture.  So I’m making trips to the local thrift store daily and dumping my old life…or kicking it to the curb with a free sign.  Free….yeah I’m free, well almost, as soon as I get rid of this shit that’s making me feel like shit.

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So many months have passed since I did a brain-drain on here…I often wonder if people think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth.  Life has been busy…peaceful mostly…positive…and full of all the things I’ve wished for and deserve. I do need to find time to add the many unbelievable stories that I’ve lived through this divorce…and will in time.

This post is mainly to say, hey…I’m doing good…in case you were wondering. My spirit is back in full force, I’ve dropped all negative energy people from my life…although the ex still digs at me at times. 

I’ve learned a lot about what I do want in a man and what I don’t…big hard lesson there. 

I’ve made myself a list..exists only in my head at the moment, but I will be blogging and sharing it soon. When I meet a man I start the checking off process…happy to report I’ve met someone who I’ve happily checked off most every box 🙂 So this is what it feels like to be respected, cared for, and loved (not sure if we are at the love part yet, but heading that way). Somewhat feeling a bit like Cinderella…

 

 

 

 

Stronger

 

I think Kelly Clarkson wrote this song for me…I couldn’t have said it better.

After Mr. Idiot moved out and I was alone  for awhile I started spending more time on Facebook.  I was looking for old friends I had lost contact with while I was married and raising my kids.  I was curious too.  Who was married, who was still single, divorced, fat, bald…then I found someone who’s name I recognized from my high school days. An old boyfriend.  Hmmm….he was looking pretty good still.  Was he single??? Yes.  Then the question came…do I send a friend request? Sure, why not? So I did.

 The next day I logged in with the anticipation of a school girl looking for that little red alert that he responded.  Not only had he accepted my request, he also had sent me a private message.  Wow, he remembered me…and that’s how my first step back into single-hood began.  I was not moving forward, but backwards…to a time in my life when I was happy and now I was about to relive some of those experiences, with Mr. Sexy Man.

 After talking back and forth for a few weeks he asked me to send him a picture.  He bluntly asked for a body shot…something sexy, not nude of course but so he could see how I had held up after all these years.  I had never taken photos of myself for anyone, I was treading on new turf…sexy new turf that intrigued me.  I was feeling really good about myself and how my body looked  at age forty-plus so I decided to go for it.  He wasn’t a stranger, he and I had lots of sex as teenagers.

 The first challenge was deciding what to wear.  I wanted to look alluring but not slutty…tempting but not vulgar.  I was going for the Victoria Secret look…so bra and undies it was.  Using my un-smart camera phone was tricky.  Getting the right angle by holding the phone at arms length was sometimes comical.  I decided not to use any shots that showed my face…hey if I ended up famous someday I didn’t want to  have myself plastered in the rag magazines right? Mysterious, Victoria Secret not too-slutty photo shoot was a success.  He loved them and wanted to see more…in person.