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Posts Tagged ‘love’

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What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot.  I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself.  I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost.  I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself.  The men in my life have been stories that need to be told.  One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so.  Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations.   You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them.  Don’t ever lose hope.  My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.

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Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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Just had my 5 year anniversary of freedom. My old life seems like a dream, a bad dream…a sad dream.  I don’t recognize the girl I was back then. Fearful, cowardly, spineless.  Willing to please that man no matter how badly he treated me.  The changes in me are not just emotional.  Physically I’m a different person.  I didn’t realize this until I came across some old pictures.  I’ve gone through a total metamorphosis. Emerged a beautiful butterfly that flutters from flower to flower in her garden of happiness.

I’d almost forgotten about this blog.  I’m actually surprised it even has any hits since I abandoned it.  Makes me wonder how many other women are searching for freedom from a bad marriage, or support through a nasty divorce.  I feel for them.  I want to reach out through my experiences and help if I can by honestly sharing my story.

My new life stories could fill a book, or two.  I’ve lived adventurously, with no fear and dived right into life like a child seeing the world for the first time.  I’ve meet the most interesting people, men and women with stories of their own.  I’ve grown into a woman I’m proud to be.  I look in the mirror now and like who is staring back at me.  I’ve learned how to love myself.

Don’t ever give up hope.  Be brave, be strong.  Don’t stay for your kids they will be better off.

I’ll be back soon to tell a few of my stories of my dating adventures 🙂

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When you live with a controlling husband that always makes you hang your head it’s hard to learn to look up.  Being beat up verbally for years takes its toll and it becomes natural to look at the ground.  Having someone treat you like dirt makes your feel like dirt…I struggled to gain the strength to first raise my chin and look straight ahead.  As I separated myself from Mr. Idiot and was no longer living with him I began to focus on the little things that I saw.  The positive things in my view as I walked through the nightmare of the divorce process.  As insults were thrown my way and Mr. Idiot belittled me in front of my children I would escape to the park and watch a bird in flight.  That bird was me…he was soaring…he was happy…he had a great persepective from the sky…then I noticed that I was looking up, and I wanted to feel like that bird.  So I began to think of that image daily, and would surround myself with friends that would lift me up.  My wings and my heart were broken, so it took time for me to venture out and try to fly.  I had hope.  I had hope and faith that this was not how my life would be…forever being pushed down by Mr. Idiot.  I stayed positive, I believed in myself, I believed that there were many good people out there despite what I had gone through.  I believed in karma, and staying strong in front of my kids and not talking bad about their father…which was really tough…and knew that if I continued to be the loving Mom that they knew, the lies that Mr. Idiot told would be seen.  I took the high road…he took the low and dirty road.  I became stronger and stronger, while his viciousness made him weaker and weaker.  The battle gave me scars but also toughened me up.  My confidence began to grow and then soar…just like that bird I admired.  I truly believe that what you put out in the world…negative or positive comes back to you.  I’m experiencing happiness beyond what I could ever imagine…stay strong, keep your chin up and push through the pain. Don’t ever let anyone rob you of your happiness, life is too short!

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After Mr. Idiot moved out and I was alone  for awhile I started spending more time on Facebook.  I was looking for old friends I had lost contact with while I was married and raising my kids.  I was curious too.  Who was married, who was still single, divorced, fat, bald…then I found someone who’s name I recognized from my high school days. An old boyfriend.  Hmmm….he was looking pretty good still.  Was he single??? Yes.  Then the question came…do I send a friend request? Sure, why not? So I did.

 The next day I logged in with the anticipation of a school girl looking for that little red alert that he responded.  Not only had he accepted my request, he also had sent me a private message.  Wow, he remembered me…and that’s how my first step back into single-hood began.  I was not moving forward, but backwards…to a time in my life when I was happy and now I was about to relive some of those experiences, with Mr. Sexy Man.

 After talking back and forth for a few weeks he asked me to send him a picture.  He bluntly asked for a body shot…something sexy, not nude of course but so he could see how I had held up after all these years.  I had never taken photos of myself for anyone, I was treading on new turf…sexy new turf that intrigued me.  I was feeling really good about myself and how my body looked  at age forty-plus so I decided to go for it.  He wasn’t a stranger, he and I had lots of sex as teenagers.

 The first challenge was deciding what to wear.  I wanted to look alluring but not slutty…tempting but not vulgar.  I was going for the Victoria Secret look…so bra and undies it was.  Using my un-smart camera phone was tricky.  Getting the right angle by holding the phone at arms length was sometimes comical.  I decided not to use any shots that showed my face…hey if I ended up famous someday I didn’t want to  have myself plastered in the rag magazines right? Mysterious, Victoria Secret not too-slutty photo shoot was a success.  He loved them and wanted to see more…in person.

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The day I’ve been waiting for…for almost two years.  It’s here. I signed on the dotted line and officially ended my marriage to Mr. Idiot.   The final string that he held control of has been severed…forever.  I’ve looked forward to this day for so long, and imagined myself jumping with joy and shouting out to the world…”I’m free as a bird”!

Yet here I sit, three days before Christmas with an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and loss…with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  This will be my last Christmas in the house with my kids.  Soon it will be put up for sale and all the memories inside will be gone.  The painful process of sifting through his things and my things…our things, the kids things. Our family that no longer exists.  It’s almost too much to bear.

My exit door is wide open now…Mr. Idiot is gone.   I should be running for it, but now I’m feeling nervous of what I’ll find on the other side.  Welcome to the single world. Time to put my big girl panties on and take that first step into the next chapter of my life.

Goodbye Mr. Idiot.

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It’s been months since I last posted here…I’ve been waiting and waiting for Mr. Idiot to stop playing his lame ass games.  Delay tactics with our divorce, very frustrating.  I had started to wonder if I would ever be free of this man and begin my new life.  Thousands of dollars spent chasing his lawyers down for responses.  It all could of been settled quickly with a conference, but he refused to attend.

Anything that isn’t one of his  ideas doesn’t float.  I should just call him “the sinker”. That’s how I felt in my marriage. I was floating happily in the ocean and he was hanging onto my neck pushing me down. Sinking any idea, inspiration or happy positive thought of mine. He wasn’t happy so I couldn’t be happy. He killed my spirit. He pushed it down under the water until it fell to the bottom of the cold dark ocean.

So needless to say I”ve been feeling like I’m living in a fog…can’t see the end of my long and painful road. All roads have an end even if we can’t see them. I keep moving forward even though I’m not sure where my road is taking me.  One thing I do know is that the sun will push through and lift the fog.  I’ll find the end of my treacherous road and when I do I’ll take my swim in the ocean. No sinkers, just me and the dolphins swimming free.

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