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Posts Tagged ‘freedom’

fullsizerender-39Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex.  I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man.  He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”.  When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.

All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one.  That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.

These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom.  They want to control EVERYTHING.  That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed.  It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.

It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him.  He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.

I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love.  It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican.  Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump.  I still love them and accept their opinions.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is.  Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others?  That’s the type of people I want in my life.

I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom.  My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself.  My freedom to choose my friends.  My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right.  My freedom to live without fear.

It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.

The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life.  We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

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What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot.  I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself.  I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost.  I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself.  The men in my life have been stories that need to be told.  One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so.  Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations.   You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them.  Don’t ever lose hope.  My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.

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When you live with a controlling husband that always makes you hang your head it’s hard to learn to look up.  Being beat up verbally for years takes its toll and it becomes natural to look at the ground.  Having someone treat you like dirt makes your feel like dirt…I struggled to gain the strength to first raise my chin and look straight ahead.  As I separated myself from Mr. Idiot and was no longer living with him I began to focus on the little things that I saw.  The positive things in my view as I walked through the nightmare of the divorce process.  As insults were thrown my way and Mr. Idiot belittled me in front of my children I would escape to the park and watch a bird in flight.  That bird was me…he was soaring…he was happy…he had a great persepective from the sky…then I noticed that I was looking up, and I wanted to feel like that bird.  So I began to think of that image daily, and would surround myself with friends that would lift me up.  My wings and my heart were broken, so it took time for me to venture out and try to fly.  I had hope.  I had hope and faith that this was not how my life would be…forever being pushed down by Mr. Idiot.  I stayed positive, I believed in myself, I believed that there were many good people out there despite what I had gone through.  I believed in karma, and staying strong in front of my kids and not talking bad about their father…which was really tough…and knew that if I continued to be the loving Mom that they knew, the lies that Mr. Idiot told would be seen.  I took the high road…he took the low and dirty road.  I became stronger and stronger, while his viciousness made him weaker and weaker.  The battle gave me scars but also toughened me up.  My confidence began to grow and then soar…just like that bird I admired.  I truly believe that what you put out in the world…negative or positive comes back to you.  I’m experiencing happiness beyond what I could ever imagine…stay strong, keep your chin up and push through the pain. Don’t ever let anyone rob you of your happiness, life is too short!

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It’s really hard to describe the feeling I have at this moment.  Euphoria…peace…joy…happiness…and most of all relief.  Being in the house that I shared with Mr. Idiot even after he left still had me feeling tied to this man.  Chained and controlled…those feelings are tough to shake after being programmed for so many years to bow down and do whatever the hell he commanded. 

I was still living with the ghost of him…his negative energy still consumed the space in that house. 

I’ve now moved out and left behind all of the things that tied us together, or as my friend said “his stinky ass sat on”…furniture left behind, anything that was a wedding gift that promised a happily and forever future together…left behind.  The box of wedding cards that was stashed in the attic…trashed.  Goodbye Mr. Idiot, Adios asshole. 

The last chain cut.

On my own again after two decades and some, down to basics with the bare essentials.  Simplicity and serenity.  Those are words I haven’t known the meaning of for quite awhile.  

I walk down the street now with my head held high…confident, secure in myself and ready to take on the next chapter of my life.

Flying free…..soaring high….the sky’s the limit for this girl.

Time to change my name….Miss Independent.

 

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My old boyfriend…who I found on Facebook…and I had started this online seduction you could say.  It started with me getting up the nerve to send that body shot, he exchanged his.  He wasn’t so shy…clothing was optional you could say.  This little online seduction was getting quite hot and heavy over a few months.  Mr. Idiot had been gone out of the house for awhile but I was still married on paper…divorce papers were served and the process was started but legally I was married.  I wont lie, this added an element of excitement to the whole scenario going on in my head at this point. If I was going to see him I’d be sneaking over…the last thing I needed was for anyone to find out and tell Mr. Idiot. Ironically Mr. Sexy Man’s place was a few blocks from some now-ex relatives.

I finally decided to see him.  I was a bundle of nerves…and hormones…and I started the process of getting ready for the “date”. I showered, shaved, scrubbed, softened…sprayed a sexy scent all over my body and dressed. What to wear? Skin tight jeans, and a sexy sleeveless, bra-less top… and a pearl necklace that he had given me when I was 16.

In the car now cruising down the highway…nervous…excited…and on the radio is “Riding Solo” by Jason Derulo, perfect.  When he greets me on his stairs in the dark I already feel that spark coming back…I follow him into his house.

He notices the necklace right away, then we sit together on the couch watching TV.  It doesn’t take long before he grabs my hand…then we kiss, and I melt.  Wham, bam, that chemistry is just as strong as it was when we were teenagers. Goodbye. The music is now on, the candles lit…things Mr. Idiot never did…I’m following him into his bedroom.

Wow…yep, it was everything I had remembered with him and more.  He was a man now and man did he know how to please a woman. I drove home with a big smile on my lips that night and that begun my affair with Mr. Sexy Man.

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If you take a look at my house while driving past you’d think to yourself, what a nice house.  So well-kept and charming.  The lawn is manicured, the white picket fence is so quaint and the flowers are bright and happy.  But take a peek into the backyard and it’s a different story.  Neglect. Weeds growing where flowers once stood.  Messy unkempt grass.  Dead, ugly leaves scattered on the patio. Once glorious rose bushes now are thorny beasts that will prick you. Looks can be deceiving.  First impressions are not always accurate.  The truth can be hidden…behind the gate, behind closed doors.

This is my backyard, and this was my life.

There are still those people out there that believe Mr. Idiot is a great guy and won’t talk to me anymore.  I try to make eye contact and they do everything they can to avoid me.  Like a ghost of myself I feel while sitting there as they scurry past.  We had the perfect family, the perfect life, he was the perfect husband.  How could I leave such a great man?  These are the people in our life that drove past the house and saw the pristine yard and assumed the guy they talked to was just as nice and charming at home to his wife.  If only they had stopped at my house and peeked over the fence…or in the windows, they would’ve seen the truth.

So now that Mr. Idiot is gone, I will tackle that overgrown backyard myself.  Whack, whack, whack…I won’t lie, it feels good to go at the bushes and think of him.  Yard therapy. Thinking time.

The rose bushes will bloom again, and the sweet fragrant roses will fill me with joy.

My backyard will become as beautiful as the front.  A peaceful place to ponder what comes next in my life.

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Thank you Mr. Idiot.  I’ve grown balls, no one is going to walk all over me again. So get in my face and puff yourself up like a rooster. Doesn’t work anymore. I’m not intimidated by the weak, little man that you are. You are a big coward hiding behind your fancy words peering down at me like I’m beneath you. Sometimes I actually start to feel sorry for you…but that’s the old me who used to care about you.  That was my weak spot and you abused it.  No more Mr. Idiot. I’m a Fighter now.

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