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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

fullsizerender-39Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex.  I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man.  He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”.  When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.

All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one.  That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.

These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom.  They want to control EVERYTHING.  That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed.  It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.

It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him.  He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.

I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love.  It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican.  Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump.  I still love them and accept their opinions.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is.  Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others?  That’s the type of people I want in my life.

I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom.  My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself.  My freedom to choose my friends.  My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right.  My freedom to live without fear.

It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.

The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life.  We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

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What a journey my life has been since my escape from the prison of marriage to Mr. Idiot.  I’ve fallen in love a few times, had some crazy adventures that are straight out of a movie script, and have finally found myself.  I look back on my life as Mrs. Idiot and she seems like a ghost.  I’ve shed all my insecurities, become a strong confident woman and love myself.  The men in my life have been stories that need to be told.  One of my closest friends from childhood messaged me today to say that she left her abusive husband and I was the one that gave her strength to do so.  Sharing my story has always been my goal to help women that are in similar situations.   You always have a choice in life even if someone tells you that you cannot survive without them.  Don’t ever lose hope.  My life will be shared and I hope to inspire many women out there to gather their courage and stand up to the man who tries to hold you down.

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It’s really hard to describe the feeling I have at this moment.  Euphoria…peace…joy…happiness…and most of all relief.  Being in the house that I shared with Mr. Idiot even after he left still had me feeling tied to this man.  Chained and controlled…those feelings are tough to shake after being programmed for so many years to bow down and do whatever the hell he commanded. 

I was still living with the ghost of him…his negative energy still consumed the space in that house. 

I’ve now moved out and left behind all of the things that tied us together, or as my friend said “his stinky ass sat on”…furniture left behind, anything that was a wedding gift that promised a happily and forever future together…left behind.  The box of wedding cards that was stashed in the attic…trashed.  Goodbye Mr. Idiot, Adios asshole. 

The last chain cut.

On my own again after two decades and some, down to basics with the bare essentials.  Simplicity and serenity.  Those are words I haven’t known the meaning of for quite awhile.  

I walk down the street now with my head held high…confident, secure in myself and ready to take on the next chapter of my life.

Flying free…..soaring high….the sky’s the limit for this girl.

Time to change my name….Miss Independent.

 

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It’s been a tough few days…I’m getting the house, our family home full of memories ready to sell.  It’s something I’ve known was coming and had to deal with but I had no idea it would throw me into a depressed state of mind. The process of sifting through boxes that hadn’t been opened in years has been a mixed bunch of emotions. Ecstasy when I find something of mine I’d forgotten about…and sheer disgust when I come across one of Mr. Idiots things.  Sadness when I find photos of my kids in happy times…a vacation shot of the first fish caught, a moment suspended in time when I thought I had a happy life.  The joy was there but looking back it all came from those moments with my kids…if it wasn’t for them I would’ve left Mr. Idiot years ago.

I contemplated having a garage sale but as I pictured the nosy neighbors coming over to get the dirt on why I had left Mr. Idiot I couldn’t bear to deal with that torture.  So I’m making trips to the local thrift store daily and dumping my old life…or kicking it to the curb with a free sign.  Free….yeah I’m free, well almost, as soon as I get rid of this shit that’s making me feel like shit.

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I recently was discussing my sex life with Mr. Idiot to a friend when it dawned on me how similar it was to being treated like a prostitute.  Not that I’ve ever been one, or known any women that were but strictly based on how unemotional the sex act had become.  He preferred me to do me from behind…no eye contact, no kissing.  Always wanted blow jobs…even said how he would be happy if that’s all I did.  Serve him, don’t talk, and then turn away with his back to me and go to sleep. No cuddling, no hugging, no spooning. I might as well been a prostitute to him.  Thinking back now I’m sure he’s had his share of them.  Why I stayed married to someone who wasn’t intimate and never gave me an orgasm during our lengthy marriage I still wonder.  I guess it comes down to my own self-worth.  I had been knocked down for so many years that I started to believe that this is all I deserved.  Mr. Idiot was providing me with a home, nice vacations and a decent car to drive…I had it easy he told me, while he went to his 9-5  stressful job.  If I ever complained I was told how ungrateful I was.  So I fell into the trap of guilt.  I went back to being the obedient wife.  Yes sir, I’m so grateful that you allow me to worship your golden penis.  Lucky me.

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If you take a look at my house while driving past you’d think to yourself, what a nice house.  So well-kept and charming.  The lawn is manicured, the white picket fence is so quaint and the flowers are bright and happy.  But take a peek into the backyard and it’s a different story.  Neglect. Weeds growing where flowers once stood.  Messy unkempt grass.  Dead, ugly leaves scattered on the patio. Once glorious rose bushes now are thorny beasts that will prick you. Looks can be deceiving.  First impressions are not always accurate.  The truth can be hidden…behind the gate, behind closed doors.

This is my backyard, and this was my life.

There are still those people out there that believe Mr. Idiot is a great guy and won’t talk to me anymore.  I try to make eye contact and they do everything they can to avoid me.  Like a ghost of myself I feel while sitting there as they scurry past.  We had the perfect family, the perfect life, he was the perfect husband.  How could I leave such a great man?  These are the people in our life that drove past the house and saw the pristine yard and assumed the guy they talked to was just as nice and charming at home to his wife.  If only they had stopped at my house and peeked over the fence…or in the windows, they would’ve seen the truth.

So now that Mr. Idiot is gone, I will tackle that overgrown backyard myself.  Whack, whack, whack…I won’t lie, it feels good to go at the bushes and think of him.  Yard therapy. Thinking time.

The rose bushes will bloom again, and the sweet fragrant roses will fill me with joy.

My backyard will become as beautiful as the front.  A peaceful place to ponder what comes next in my life.

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It’s been a rough few weeks…not sure what is bringing on the tears lately.  Maybe it’s the divorce dragging out and feeling like the end will never come.  Maybe it’s the continued verbal assaults from Mr. Idiot.  Could be hearing the nasty words coming out of my son’s mouth.  It’s seems like Mr. Idiot is a ventriloquist and he’s using my son like a puppet. It’s painful enough to hear it from him, but when my son has been brainwashed and manipulated right in front of my eyes it does bring me to tears. With the help of a therapist I hope some of the damage can be undone and my son will be able to make it through our divorce without developing his own issues that follow him into adulthood. Mr Idiot could really use some therapy but of course he doesn’t think he is the problem.  He has no issues in his eyes. He’s already dealt with his painful childhood by burying it deep inside of him. That worked well! I know my biggest issue to deal with will be trust.  Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

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