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Posts Tagged ‘men’

fullsizerender-39Narcissist. I never knew the definition of this word during my 20 years of living with my ex.  I first came across it in the midst of a nasty divorce with this crazy man.  He turned even more bat-shit scary crazy when I grew the balls to leave this “marriage”.  When I gathered the courage and strength to stand up for myself and my children and end this life of fear.

All these years he had me believing that I was the crazy one.  That’s what they do best and Mr. Idiot was a master at this type of manipulation. Looking back it’s clear as can be that Mr. Idiot suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or more commonly called NPD.

These days NPD is a word heard daily as we are now “under the control” of Trump the Narcissist. One thing I’ve learned is someone with NPD does not want you to have freedom.  They want to control EVERYTHING.  That’s how they keep their deep insecurities fed.  It’s like a monster inside them that grows angrier the more you defy them.

It’s very clear that this infantile President will continue to grow angrier the more the American people protest him.  He’s losing control and that in the end will destroy him.

I wasted half my life being controlled by a BULLY and I will not spend the next four years having some mentally ill dictator take away my freedom. My freedom of speech, my freedom of love.  It is not a political thing, I am not a registered Democrat or Republican.  Some of my best friends and family voted for Trump.  I still love them and accept their opinions.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, what gender you identify with, what your sexual preference is.  Do you have humanity? Are you a person that cares about others?  That’s the type of people I want in my life.

I stood up to Mr. Idiot for my freedom.  My freedom to do the things I love to do that make me feel good about myself.  My freedom to choose my friends.  My freedom to raise my children the way I think is right.  My freedom to live without fear.

It looks like it’s time to do it again, but this time I’m not in it alone.

The only cure for someone who suffers NPD is to remove them from your life.  We’ve got work to do America. It won’t be easy, he’ll put up a good fight but we are stronger. Never forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

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Fear.

A very powerful four-letter word. It can hold you back from many things in life.

We learn fear at an early age.  We learn to live with fear. Some of us more than others.

I feared my father. He was scary for many years. There was a cartoon when I was a little girl…”Wait Till Your Father Gets Home”. My Mother used and abused that line whenever my brother and I would misbehave. With good reason…as soon as those words left her mouth we became angels. Neither of us wanted to face our father’s anger.

My father wasn’t physically abusive, although I did get a few spankings growing up but those usually came from my Mother.  It was his verbal abuse.  Strong words said in the scariest tone.  Enough to make you pee your pants.

So you see…I loved this scary man more than anything. He was a good provider, he worked hard so my Mother could stay home and raise us.  He took us on family vacations in the station wagon.  Loved us in his own way, but I don’t recall him ever telling me he loved me.

Little did I know that I would seek out a man who treated me the way I was accustomed to later in life…and marry him…and fear him.

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Just had my 5 year anniversary of freedom. My old life seems like a dream, a bad dream…a sad dream.  I don’t recognize the girl I was back then. Fearful, cowardly, spineless.  Willing to please that man no matter how badly he treated me.  The changes in me are not just emotional.  Physically I’m a different person.  I didn’t realize this until I came across some old pictures.  I’ve gone through a total metamorphosis. Emerged a beautiful butterfly that flutters from flower to flower in her garden of happiness.

I’d almost forgotten about this blog.  I’m actually surprised it even has any hits since I abandoned it.  Makes me wonder how many other women are searching for freedom from a bad marriage, or support through a nasty divorce.  I feel for them.  I want to reach out through my experiences and help if I can by honestly sharing my story.

My new life stories could fill a book, or two.  I’ve lived adventurously, with no fear and dived right into life like a child seeing the world for the first time.  I’ve meet the most interesting people, men and women with stories of their own.  I’ve grown into a woman I’m proud to be.  I look in the mirror now and like who is staring back at me.  I’ve learned how to love myself.

Don’t ever give up hope.  Be brave, be strong.  Don’t stay for your kids they will be better off.

I’ll be back soon to tell a few of my stories of my dating adventures 🙂

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ImageI once heard about making “The List” of what you want in a man on some show years ago…might have been Oprah. She’s always full of helpful advice and good wisdom…maybe her wisdom not to marry is beyond wise. Snarky comment 🙂

Anyways…after being married to Mr. Idiot who had all the wrong qualities in a man, I thought that I needed to make my list to guide me so I never settle again. My list has lived in my brain and this is the first time I’ve actually written it down.  It’s things I find important that make me happy, and really are qualities that I have myself. Opposites attract…throw that one out the window if you want happiness. To be happy I need to find someone more like me…who gets me.

So here goes…

1. Romantic. This is number one on my list because I live and breathe romance! I want to be swept off my feet by a man who carries me off to bed. Romance novel come to life! Watch a sunset, write a love note, call just because he’s thinking of me…hold my face when he kisses. Loves to kiss…a must! (Mr. Idiot never kissed, no passion, no romance, never watched a sunset together)

2. Funny. I live to laugh. I love to laugh. I find humor in everyday life. He doesn’t need to be a Robin Williams, but he should be a bit witty and make me laugh.  (Mr. Idiot would roll his eyes if I said something funny, made me feel like a complete idiot. He in turn, did not make me laugh much…much too serious and not in the least bit funny.)

3. Athletic. Not meaning a perfect body…but into his health and fitness. Does some type of exercise to work out. A healthy heart…I want him to be around awhile if we end up together. I want a chicken and fish kind of guy…someone who knows what edamames and hummus are, and likes them. (Mr. Idiot was a walker, nothing else. His eating habits were not what mine were…lots of red meat and junk food.

4.  Creative.  I am a very creative person and need a person who is equally creative.  Someone who is creative will understand why I want to stop everything and stare at the sunset…or the moon…or the little ladybug who landed on me.  Creative souls belong together. Mr. Idiot only knew how to create drama.

5.  Playful.  I sometimes don’t act my age… love the swings, tickle fight? okay.  Hide and seek with kisses for prize, yep. I’m like a little puppy…I need another puppy to play with.  Mr. Idiot would put the little playful pup in a cage.

6.  Spontaneous.  Wake up, grab a picnic lunch and take off heading south and take a random exit.  No direction, no set plan…see where the day take us…love this stuff.  Mr. Idiot planned everything…boring!

7.  Mellow.  Not without a pulse, but even-tempered.  No flying off the handle over little things.  Able to discuss feelings in  a calm mature manner and work out differences.  So tired of the walking on eggshell…tip-toeing so I don’t set off the volcano.  Sweet and mellow…ahhh…that sounds perfect to me.

So this is my list and I’m sticking to it.  When I meet a man that has at least 6 of these qualities then I’m going for it.  I’ll let my heart  be open and hopefully find the kind of love I’ve alway dreamed of.

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My old boyfriend…who I found on Facebook…and I had started this online seduction you could say.  It started with me getting up the nerve to send that body shot, he exchanged his.  He wasn’t so shy…clothing was optional you could say.  This little online seduction was getting quite hot and heavy over a few months.  Mr. Idiot had been gone out of the house for awhile but I was still married on paper…divorce papers were served and the process was started but legally I was married.  I wont lie, this added an element of excitement to the whole scenario going on in my head at this point. If I was going to see him I’d be sneaking over…the last thing I needed was for anyone to find out and tell Mr. Idiot. Ironically Mr. Sexy Man’s place was a few blocks from some now-ex relatives.

I finally decided to see him.  I was a bundle of nerves…and hormones…and I started the process of getting ready for the “date”. I showered, shaved, scrubbed, softened…sprayed a sexy scent all over my body and dressed. What to wear? Skin tight jeans, and a sexy sleeveless, bra-less top… and a pearl necklace that he had given me when I was 16.

In the car now cruising down the highway…nervous…excited…and on the radio is “Riding Solo” by Jason Derulo, perfect.  When he greets me on his stairs in the dark I already feel that spark coming back…I follow him into his house.

He notices the necklace right away, then we sit together on the couch watching TV.  It doesn’t take long before he grabs my hand…then we kiss, and I melt.  Wham, bam, that chemistry is just as strong as it was when we were teenagers. Goodbye. The music is now on, the candles lit…things Mr. Idiot never did…I’m following him into his bedroom.

Wow…yep, it was everything I had remembered with him and more.  He was a man now and man did he know how to please a woman. I drove home with a big smile on my lips that night and that begun my affair with Mr. Sexy Man.

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So many months have passed since I did a brain-drain on here…I often wonder if people think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth.  Life has been busy…peaceful mostly…positive…and full of all the things I’ve wished for and deserve. I do need to find time to add the many unbelievable stories that I’ve lived through this divorce…and will in time.

This post is mainly to say, hey…I’m doing good…in case you were wondering. My spirit is back in full force, I’ve dropped all negative energy people from my life…although the ex still digs at me at times. 

I’ve learned a lot about what I do want in a man and what I don’t…big hard lesson there. 

I’ve made myself a list..exists only in my head at the moment, but I will be blogging and sharing it soon. When I meet a man I start the checking off process…happy to report I’ve met someone who I’ve happily checked off most every box 🙂 So this is what it feels like to be respected, cared for, and loved (not sure if we are at the love part yet, but heading that way). Somewhat feeling a bit like Cinderella…

 

 

 

 

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After Mr. Idiot moved out and I was alone  for awhile I started spending more time on Facebook.  I was looking for old friends I had lost contact with while I was married and raising my kids.  I was curious too.  Who was married, who was still single, divorced, fat, bald…then I found someone who’s name I recognized from my high school days. An old boyfriend.  Hmmm….he was looking pretty good still.  Was he single??? Yes.  Then the question came…do I send a friend request? Sure, why not? So I did.

 The next day I logged in with the anticipation of a school girl looking for that little red alert that he responded.  Not only had he accepted my request, he also had sent me a private message.  Wow, he remembered me…and that’s how my first step back into single-hood began.  I was not moving forward, but backwards…to a time in my life when I was happy and now I was about to relive some of those experiences, with Mr. Sexy Man.

 After talking back and forth for a few weeks he asked me to send him a picture.  He bluntly asked for a body shot…something sexy, not nude of course but so he could see how I had held up after all these years.  I had never taken photos of myself for anyone, I was treading on new turf…sexy new turf that intrigued me.  I was feeling really good about myself and how my body looked  at age forty-plus so I decided to go for it.  He wasn’t a stranger, he and I had lots of sex as teenagers.

 The first challenge was deciding what to wear.  I wanted to look alluring but not slutty…tempting but not vulgar.  I was going for the Victoria Secret look…so bra and undies it was.  Using my un-smart camera phone was tricky.  Getting the right angle by holding the phone at arms length was sometimes comical.  I decided not to use any shots that showed my face…hey if I ended up famous someday I didn’t want to  have myself plastered in the rag magazines right? Mysterious, Victoria Secret not too-slutty photo shoot was a success.  He loved them and wanted to see more…in person.

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