I Have Issues Could You Please Pass the Tissues

It’s been a rough few weeks…not sure what is bringing on the tears lately.  Maybe it’s the divorce dragging out and feeling like the end will never come.  Maybe it’s the continued verbal assaults from Mr. Idiot.  Could be hearing the nasty words coming out of my son’s mouth.  It’s seems like Mr. Idiot is a ventriloquist and he’s using my son like a puppet. It’s painful enough to hear it from him, but when my son has been brainwashed and manipulated right in front of my eyes it does bring me to tears. With the help of a therapist I hope some of the damage can be undone and my son will be able to make it through our divorce without developing his own issues that follow him into adulthood. Mr Idiot could really use some therapy but of course he doesn’t think he is the problem.  He has no issues in his eyes. He’s already dealt with his painful childhood by burying it deep inside of him. That worked well! I know my biggest issue to deal with will be trust.  Will I ever be able to trust a man again?

The torture continues…will I ever be free from him?

The only thing tougher than being married to a control freak is trying to divorce a control freak. I’m in a battle as I finally stand up to this man that bullied me for half my life. I feel like he is in this to punish me as much as possible and for what? He has a way of twisting things around so they are my fault. Making me feel guilt. The ultimate manipulator. The verbal abuse is escalating as I stand my ground. I won’t lie, some days I feel like giving up, giving in…letting him get his way so he goes away. But I pick myself up after reading the painful emails, dust my pants and take a deep breath. I will survive. I know one day I’ll be legally free from his grip. That day will come and with it a sigh of relief, and hope. Hope of a happier life. A day when I don’t have to read the hateful words of a man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with.

Stronger, Wiser…I’m a Fighter

Thank you Mr. Idiot.  I’ve grown balls, no one is going to walk all over me again. So get in my face and puff yourself up like a rooster. Doesn’t work anymore. I’m not intimidated by the weak, little man that you are. You are a big coward hiding behind your fancy words peering down at me like I’m beneath you. Sometimes I actually start to feel sorry for you…but that’s the old me who used to care about you.  That was my weak spot and you abused it.  No more Mr. Idiot. I’m a Fighter now.

Yours 4Ever…not this Valentine’s Day

Last Valentine’s Day changed my life forever.  My loving husband packed his bags and headed on a trip without me.  This trip ended our marriage.  He lied, he cheated, he tried to cover his tracks but I uncovered the truth.  I suspected before he left so my radar was up.  It was pretty easy to catch him in his web of lies.  I’m not as dumb as he thought I was.  This Valentine’s Day…or single awareness day some call it, I’m actually feeling pretty good.  He never was one to acknowledge the day anyways, so I’m not missing flowers, candy, jewelry or a card.  Today it was all about “love”. Take the day and do all the things I love. Spend the day with friends that have been my anchors through this stormy year. Best of all, be with the “loves” of my life…my kids. It doesn’t get much better than that.  The next man in my life will have to be a hopeless romantic like me…I still believe in love! 

The Correct Definition of Idiot (from the Urban Dictionary)

idiot – An epithet that describes anyone but you.
It is a statistical certainty that there is someone out there in the planet who considers you an idiot. That person doesn’t matter, of course — he’s an idiot.

www.urbandictionary.com

Pay Attention to the Red Flags in a Relationship

They were there from the start…even the first night we met, yet I ignored them.

He had a girlfriend…I should’ve never trusted him.

He lied about his age and never confessed…I found out by catching him in his lie.

He complained about his Mom and had little respect for her…he doesn’t respect any women.

He had a drug addiction…he denied he did yet it was one of the most destructive things in our marriage.

He didn’t like to kiss..he had a fear of intimacy that killed our sex life.

He had a hot temper…I spent my life walking on eggshells to avoid these eruptions.

He had no close friends…friendships weren’t important to him so why did I want to spend time with my friends?

He was secretive…I wasn’t allowed to speak our business with anyone because he liked being a private person.

Birthdays, and holidays weren’t a big deal to him…why should I expect a gift or a card?

It took me almost 20 years to finally see the red flag that ended it all. 

Infidelity…why should I be surprised, that’s how our relationship began.

Tearing Down the Walls Around Me

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. -Jim Rohn

I started building my walls  many years ago.  He shut me out so many times…this man that was supposed to be my husband, the love of my life. So as he built his walls, I added bricks to mine.  I was trapped inside with my sadness and loneliness and I didn’t know how to get out.  Even the walls couldn’t keep out the pain as the sharp words left his tongue. I guess I didn’t build my walls strong enough.  Then one day after the “unthinkable” happened, I’ll get to that later, the pain turned to anger. The anger was stronger than the pain and it helped me bust down that wall and escape. I was free.

Dirty Laundry

“Don’t go airing our dirty laundry” Mr. Idiot said. Funny…it seems to me that all that stinky dirty laundry belongs to you, and it needs airing out.   How long did you think I would put up with your dirty things? I’ve hidden your real personality from the world for far too many years…I thought I was protecting you and your “squeaky clean” image to the outside world. It ate me away over all this years to hold in these secrets even from my closet friends and family. It’s time for you to accept the consequences of your actions and for me to come clean and move on with my life. Break out the Tide…fresh, clean days ahead!

You Were Right Mr. Idiot

Everything you said about me is true.

I am an idiot…an idiot to stay with you for so many of my precious years.

I am stupid…stupid to trust you and believe all your lies.

I am selfish…because I take the time to take care about me.

I am a bitch…because I didn’t always agree with you and had my own opinions.

I am a liar…I lied that I was happy with you and the problem was me.

I am Mrs. Idiot.

The Reason I Chose Lavender for My Banner

Lavender represents relaxation. It’s aroma is calming to the nerves. It’s beautiful and powerful in each tiny delicate flower. After years of turmoil and walking on eggshells, outbursts of anger, and jagged insults I need peace. I need relaxation. I need beautiful flowers. So I chose this pretty delicate lavender bush that I have growing in my yard. It represents how I’d like my life to be from now on and each time I log in I will see this image as I’m spilling my guts to you. I’m hoping it will help me, and it will help you to remember there is another path you can take where the lavender grows.